Warriors of Might and Magic

Gamestyle Archive intro: this review comes from a dark period in the website history as 3DO were sending up review code for e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g and while freebies may have their attractions, after a while it becomes a vicious circle. For Dan Kelly this review from April 2001 was a step too far as you can tell from below!

Warriors_of_Might_and_Magic_Coverart

Have you ever heard the joke, why did the boy throw the clock out the window? Because he wanted to see time fly. Well here’s a good one, why did I throw Warriors of Might and Magic out of the window? Because its utter crap!!!

It’s as mighty as Mr. Muscle, and about as magical as pulling a rabbit out of a rabbit hutch. It reminds me of one of those English essays you used to get at school where the teacher told you to describe a day out. The teacher always told you to talk about a bad day because you would have more to say. Well sit back, relax, this could be a veeeeeeeery long review. But I’ll try and keep it short because I have to go get a psychological examination after this.

When you turn this on and start playing, one of the first things you’ll do is look at your PSOne and make sure the power light isn’t on, because in terms of graphical beauty, its about as pretty as the elephant man. Then when you see the blue and green lights from your lovely black console, you’ll have to accept the fact that it is a PS2 game. The story is as follows. You play He-Man lookalike Alleron, who is accused of Necromancy. His punishment, he has a mask with quite gnarly looking claws attached to his face, called the Mask of the Accused. It would be nice if it was a cool mask, but unfortunately for Alleron it’s a rather gimp-esque looking thing, that bears a resemblance to that worn by Captain America. But with the addition of Alleron’s golden locks flowing out of the top, and without the little wings protruding from the sides. He is then condemned to the world under the city, where it is rather unpleasant, to try and fight his way back to the surface. Voila.

The controls are fairly simple. You have 3 attack buttons, two for your weapons, and one for a rather lame looking magic attack. The other buttons are used for performing various other simple tasks, such as jumping, crouching and picking things up. But what will really get on your nerves is constantly faffing around with the menus, looking for the life-saving health potions, that when you do eventually find and drink, leave you open for attack to the surrounding baddies, subsequently leaving you with less energy than you had before you drank the potion. Then there’s the irritating camera angles and poor character animation. I’ve tried to think of something that reminds me of Alleron’s running technique, but in all honesty, I’ve never seen anything run quite like that. The only good comparison I can make is that his run is similar to that of Tanner from Driver 2, who himself looks like he’s had too many large things inserted into his rectum.

You’ll spend a lot of time wandering around the level, finding weapons, armour, magic spells, and potions. You tend to get lost sometimes although the levels themselves are fairly uncomplicated, simply because most of the corridors and rooms can sometimes bare an uncanny resemblance to one you have just visited. Occasionally during your hours of wandering you’ll be treated to a puzzle to test your mental capabilities, but more often than not its just a case of, pull the switch, or push the button, which isn’t really that much of a challenge to even the most mentally inept chimp. During your peaceful mince around the level, you’ll hear a noise, and instinctively turn around to punch your sibling for being so disgusting, but you’ll soon realise its not the fault of your falsely accused brother or sister, but more surprisingly the enemies attempt at trying to convince you that he’s a fearsome monster, intent on devouring you whole. And when you do eventually catch sight of the evil fiend, you’ll spend more time looking at it wondering what its supposed to be, rather than trying to figure out a way to destroy it. But usually, no enemy you’ll come across will take more than a couple of Alleron’s sluggish attacks before hitting the deck with a pathetic grunt. “But there must be one thing good about it!” I hear you say.

Well yes there are some things good about it I’m ashamed to say. A small almost non-existent smile sometimes surprisingly appears on your face as you emerge from a room that was until a minute ago infested with enemies, untouched. One thing that may keep some you going through the game, is the fact that when you equip a different piece of armour, Alleron’s actual appearance will change. This may, or may not, drive some of you further with ambition of making your character look like the dog’s gonads, with shiny, big armour and a large sword. But this is one of the only things about this game that kept me sane. One thing I praise about this game is the ability to save anywhere, anytime, which means that you don’t have to play through a whole level before given the option to save, saving me from having to play more than 5 minutes of this game a night.

It really amazes me that games like this sell. It’s a poor game, full stop. It would take me a very long time, if not eternity to think of something I genuinely like about this game…. hold on the occasional appearance of a voluptuous lady is nice, but not enough to salvage Warriors of Might and Magic. They say every cigarette takes 5 minutes off your life, I might as well start smoking, because it already seems I have wasted enough of my life playing THIS, so why stop now?

Gamestyle Score: 3/10

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